Oh, you’d love this new version of me. You’d love who I’ve become. So fearless. Oh my..just when I think about the things I ve done since I’ve set myself free from my pains, fears and insecurities, and since I’ve freed me from you.
I’m dreaming of plunging into water on a hot summer day and taste as much of it as possible. The sight of water doesn’t freak me out and a pool fight doesn’t cause me a panic attack… Days like that, in the sun, in a pool on an island, are what my torn heart aches for…pool fights? I’d win now. I used to cry before and for the love of God I would never jump in one. Maybe you taught me that. To love that. To love my insecurities. You tried to, and on the spur of the moment, I hated myself. And maybe I hated you too a bit.
But I love that now. And all I dream about is jumping into water. And staying underwater and discovering what there is… The beauty underneath.
It’s magical in a way, to overcome one of your biggest fobias. But now, on another hand, I cannot do it to caress my heart because nothing is open. Summer seems closed, just as spring was, and scientists fear we won’t have autumn or winter either….
We’re apart, and perhaps forever, but laying now awake in the midst of a stormy night got me feeling things through these stupid memories.
Cuz I can close my eyes and relive the scents, I can touch the sand, and I can hear the birds, I can touch your hand and I can see myself laughing, somewhere, in the middle of nowhere. Or being grumpy in paradise. Haha. Who ever thought that’s possible? But hey, a stubborn girl full of fears and afraid she is not good enough, not pretty enough, who came into unchartered territory…maybe there’s something understandable about that.
You know what I did last summer? Oh you’d be proud… My hair was flicking in the wind from an old cute van driving on a hot country’s highways and then windy roads uphill, from where you could see everything…
And I was so free. Of any doubts. About myself. I let myself be that crazy girl I always was.
She was just hiding sometimes…because she wasn’t raised to tackle things immediately. But she was a warrior. She was just hiding sometimes because..she was scared people won’t like her. That she isn’t funny enough or that people would only love for half’s.
And..she didn’t want that. Cuz she always loved everyone in full. And with the full package, the bad the good and the ugly. And even though she showed it so weirdly sometimes, her silence meant that.
You’d be proud..I’m telling ya because this girl that lies awake now is only driven by fire. By a crazy desire to feel and madly live life. Even when it now means she wants to try scubadiving and thinks she’ll actually survive it.
I think sometimes we ask ourselves, I ask you, and you ask me, “how are you?”
I think we answer to that in dreams or maybe one day in real life. Who knows. Oh damn, I so hate that phrase. “Who knows” and ” never say never” are like officially the worst phrases in the world. I mean it! I feel like it can be mysterious saying who knows, maybe even enticing, but also at the same time,like so annoying and sad. Anyways… I started this with my new desire that keeps me up lately..since I’ve felt like a bird stuck in a cage. I started this saying all I would want now is to go skinny dipping in the ocean. Take a jump, take a leap. Into the water, let it invade my body and revive all my cells. Skinny dipping, hey?