I remember how I felt, and I remember how I made you feel, when you were down. I lifted you up, you lifted me up, off the muddy dirty ground.
My hands search for words on this keyboard now to justify. How many things do we want to justify in life? To make of them a purpose, when we don’t know of any. How many things do we want to turn around? And how many times are we so unclear of what our hearts want?
I feel like now I’m home, but at the same time, I want to run away. I am away and then I want to run to build a home. One moment I am the fast and furious girl who just booked a supercar race, the other, I am cooking at home, and doing yoga.
This heart’s a mess, you know? But this world’s a mess. We know we have a limited time on Earth, and we want to just LIVE IT ALL. Don’t we?? Live it all. Oh my God and we don’t know when to stop sometimes. We kind of forget what direction we’re going in, where our head’s at, we think that moment right there encompasses all our lives and we laugh in the moment, thinking this is it, I can die happily now.
But it’s not true, every second, every moment, we look for something new, for something to remember. I, for one, am bored when days go on the same. I think of it afterwards, what will I remember of these days? When I’m old and crippled and my saliva will be dripping. When I’ll do a party for my birthday on the bed in hospital, when I will look at my skin and see it white, flaccid, hanging. When I will want to tear those hospital sheets apart and wear them as a skirt, be young again. Do body shots like when I had an existential life crisis at 25…
I think of the bad moments in life as the most precious lessons. As the hurdles that I, as a person and a woman, have to overcome in order to be a full grown up woman who’s not afraid of anything and who is still fiercely her. And who loves fiercely. Despite it all.
I think of the good ones, well, as good ones.
And I want to think of each moment as not a given, but a chance. Every day we are given a chance, and it just depends on us how we take it.
I think that helping others in life is part of the bigger thing that this is all about. That knowning in your heart that you did something for someone makes your place somewhere (wherever it will be), warmer, nicer. I think that there is more to this than us, there is giving. And funny fact is, it doesn’t even cost much.
So what I guess I’m trying to say here in my story, or call it a rant, if you want, is, give. Give love even though you’ve been put through so many, even though you’ve lost faith and hope. Even though you’ve lost people. Give to others even though they’ve done you wrong. Never hold bad feelings back and let them go with the wind. Let however love and your people into your heart, always.
Shut the doors, sometimes, if you need to. Shut off the lights, shut off the sounds, be alone. Stand still. And stand how you feel like it. Curl up in bed or lay on the floor. But come back. Pull yourself back up and put your wings on. And open those damn doors. Open them and know that you are you and you are always beautiful. And you will stay beautiful, if you know how to.
Inspired by rmdrake.