Finding oneself.

Some time ago, if someone would have told me, “do you feel like you found yourself?” I would have maybe answered “you’re crazy, I know who I am. I don’t need to find myself”. Maybe it was because I was so sure of myself, I was more stable, and knew exactly what I was made of. Or maybe because I was naive, reckless, and didn’t think about what how important this is.

Now I am on this road of discovering me, again. As if I’m being reborn. I am on a journey of finding myself, of going back to myself. Then, that means I lost myself. We all lose ourselves, right? Sure we do. But how many times? And how deep?

So if I lost myself then what caused that is a huge pain that managed to break me into pieces. And that is putting it more rationally. But what I actually feel, losing myself, is that feeling that I cannot put myself together anymore, it’s like a neverending puzzle and playing cards that only have question marks instead of Queen, Hearts, Spades, or just only a bad Jack. It is a whirlwind in your world upside down.

How do we even do that? Lose ourselves?

That feeling of losing yourself, is as if you lose parts of your life that made you who you are, or at least that’s how you perceive it. Moments that defined you, now they’re gone and you don’t know what will replace them.

Mending yourself is not easy. And we feel like we need someone to do that for us. We need help. We need warmth and the people that are familiar to us to kind of help us bring back that lost “us”. We keep on searching.

And I look back at me, and I realise, where am I gone? Where have I gone? And how do I go back to me? I can’t answer that. And I also can’t say I’m gone completely, it’s just strange. And I am trying to make sense of this. I keep on searching.

But I can say that going back to the things I wanted to do, the things that made me glow, the things that inspired me, that have made me rise up, that is like a blessing.

Entering the dance room, while the lights are dim, that’s unique. I feel that I can breathe there. I feel that I can let go of anything in there, and everything gets replaced with stillness, or peace or joy or serenity.

In life, the people we expect the least will fail us. The people whom we have trusted the most might end up breaking our trust. We will be suprised for the first time, but then, they might keep on breaking our trust once more. And then again, till the very last moment. We will end up with a bitter taste after some experiences. We will hide but we will seek truth and realness again. We will never forget but we might just forgive. We might lose but we will be warriors in the end. We will hold ourselves after so many battles and we will be proud of that. We will wear helmets for a long time before we learn how to get rid of them. It will be a while till we shred our armor, walk into the room and conquer it, no weapons. Just us, our good old “us”.

We might not trust people again, or at least for now. And our dreams won’t be anymore of sunny days. We will be stuck and we will bang our head against the wall so many times. But we will see that in the end, it doesn’t matter. One important thing does matter. And that is, if we love ourselves, and we hold ourselves, someone new will come along willing to hold us as well. We need to know how to love ourselves first.

When we feel insecure, we let that feeling overtake us, we let that sink in our lives, and when we are afraid, of us, of what we can achieve, of what we did wrong, then we are weak. And in order to be a warrier we need to get rid of those insecurities and be strong, be with you, with your true self and love yourself. Loving oneself completely and there is only one way to find that out, through you, I think is the only way to move on. Loving ourselves is what makes us shine. And it’s also what will help us through. It’s what is going to show us the way. Where we need to go.

I was ashamed of my body sometimes. I was sometimes afraid that my flaws and my way of being might not be good enough for someone. And I was WRONG. I should have never thought that. I should have never ever for even a second doubted myself. I should have pulled up my warrior suit on, my gladiator power and be the confident me that I know lies within. I should have never thought for a second that my body, face, eyes, voice, hair, my attitude, everything, is not good enough. This is a lesson I learned and that I carry with me. And I want other people who maybe feel the same to know.

Just hold yourself. For once at least, you are grace, you are beauty, you are power, you are you and if the one next to you doesn’t like that, well then he is not the true one for you. And remember this, if you believe in yourself first, other people can believe too.

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